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Well....
Remember how happy I was at MFM and right beforehand? That's long gone now, sadly. Why? I wish I knew. I just feel so alone and useless lately... I hate when I get feeling like this. And I'm sure you all who bother to read this are getting sick of hearing me whine about it... but I don't know who else to talk to. Yes, I still live with Kodiak aka Mr. Annoying... but I can't really connect or talk to him as he just doesn't understand where I am coming from. I mean.... he has not experienced half of the crap I've gone through in 37 years of life..... intermixed with the periods of great happiness and joy are long and tearing at the soul periods of gloom, despair, depression, sadness... and utter withdrawal from all I love. I hope I'm not headed into one of those periods. I just can't deal with it again.
Why do I feel so down? I wish I knew. I've got a decent job.... albeit doesn't pay as much as it should I think... but hey, it's steady and keeps me busy. I must also admit, I have a fair rooming situation. At least as far as costs go.... privacy is an issue at times though. It's a bit strange coming out of my room after hearing no activity and finding one's roommate where he's not expected to be... And another thing on that issue.... now those of you who know me well can pretty much say that I am no prude.... but when I have to see my roommate in nothing but his BVD's.... it's a bit unsettling. Not that I'm finding him attractive or anything... by all means, it's quite the opposite in fact.... and even I don't go around just wearing nothing but that when I'm going to be around someone else. Maybe I make too much of that.... who knows.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I feel so very alone.... and that I feel like I will always be alone. And I don't mean alone as in lack of friends.... I am blessed with more friends than I deserve.... but still, there lies within me the longing for a special someone.... and I don't care if it be male or female or a mix of both.... I need a mate I can call my own.... or at least someone special enough to want to be with me at times. I need to be held and comforted... I need to feel loved in that oh so special way that couples have. That is what is missing in my life I think.... and I wonder at times if I will ever truly know that feeling.
Yes, before I found furry I was married... but even then I don't think I felt love the way I am hoping to find now. Maybe my expectations are too high? I don't think so though... I know too many couples who seem to be just as happy as can be with each other.... is that too much to hope for for myself? I surely hope not.... because if it is too much to hope for... what is there to be gained from living a hum drum existance..... and not living a life.
Maybe I don't make sense... maybe I'm just fucked in the head.... maybe my perceptions are so screwed up that I don't know what I want.... but to me, this is what I know and feel.
Now... if you are still reading this, I thank you and owe you a debt of gratitude.. because I'm going to ask you all a favor now. Please... if you at all consider me a friend and worth your time... please leave a reply here so I know you do read this, and if you do, please state your true feelings about me. I was thinking of asking for that one word summary of myself that I have seen others doing... but that seems too easy to misunderstand. So if you would please.... prove to me that I am a worthwhile fur... and I won't have to make a post like this again.
And if anyone knows of another fur who is looking for a possible mate, or even a friend... please refer them to me? Thank you all.
Butterscotch...... sad and just a bit strange vixen.
Remember how happy I was at MFM and right beforehand? That's long gone now, sadly. Why? I wish I knew. I just feel so alone and useless lately... I hate when I get feeling like this. And I'm sure you all who bother to read this are getting sick of hearing me whine about it... but I don't know who else to talk to. Yes, I still live with Kodiak aka Mr. Annoying... but I can't really connect or talk to him as he just doesn't understand where I am coming from. I mean.... he has not experienced half of the crap I've gone through in 37 years of life..... intermixed with the periods of great happiness and joy are long and tearing at the soul periods of gloom, despair, depression, sadness... and utter withdrawal from all I love. I hope I'm not headed into one of those periods. I just can't deal with it again.
Why do I feel so down? I wish I knew. I've got a decent job.... albeit doesn't pay as much as it should I think... but hey, it's steady and keeps me busy. I must also admit, I have a fair rooming situation. At least as far as costs go.... privacy is an issue at times though. It's a bit strange coming out of my room after hearing no activity and finding one's roommate where he's not expected to be... And another thing on that issue.... now those of you who know me well can pretty much say that I am no prude.... but when I have to see my roommate in nothing but his BVD's.... it's a bit unsettling. Not that I'm finding him attractive or anything... by all means, it's quite the opposite in fact.... and even I don't go around just wearing nothing but that when I'm going to be around someone else. Maybe I make too much of that.... who knows.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I feel so very alone.... and that I feel like I will always be alone. And I don't mean alone as in lack of friends.... I am blessed with more friends than I deserve.... but still, there lies within me the longing for a special someone.... and I don't care if it be male or female or a mix of both.... I need a mate I can call my own.... or at least someone special enough to want to be with me at times. I need to be held and comforted... I need to feel loved in that oh so special way that couples have. That is what is missing in my life I think.... and I wonder at times if I will ever truly know that feeling.
Yes, before I found furry I was married... but even then I don't think I felt love the way I am hoping to find now. Maybe my expectations are too high? I don't think so though... I know too many couples who seem to be just as happy as can be with each other.... is that too much to hope for for myself? I surely hope not.... because if it is too much to hope for... what is there to be gained from living a hum drum existance..... and not living a life.
Maybe I don't make sense... maybe I'm just fucked in the head.... maybe my perceptions are so screwed up that I don't know what I want.... but to me, this is what I know and feel.
Now... if you are still reading this, I thank you and owe you a debt of gratitude.. because I'm going to ask you all a favor now. Please... if you at all consider me a friend and worth your time... please leave a reply here so I know you do read this, and if you do, please state your true feelings about me. I was thinking of asking for that one word summary of myself that I have seen others doing... but that seems too easy to misunderstand. So if you would please.... prove to me that I am a worthwhile fur... and I won't have to make a post like this again.
And if anyone knows of another fur who is looking for a possible mate, or even a friend... please refer them to me? Thank you all.
Butterscotch...... sad and just a bit strange vixen.
