![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Sep. 23rd, 2002
Life of a vixen
Sep. 23rd, 2002 11:27 amIn talking with a few friends online this morning, and after having a good talk with a RL friend yesterday, I've come to a few conclusions about myself. These may sound strange, these may sound profound, these may sound totally off the wall, but they are how I now perceive myself and my life to be. So, be warned, this may get a bit long and rambling, but I think you might understand me a bit better if you read through this post.
Those of you who know me or at least read this Journal know I portray a vixen online and throughout the furry community. What some of you don't realize is that I am really a male RL. This is a well known fact to most, but I do get a few people now and then who didn't know. Now, the question I hear is, "Why do you play a vixen when you are a guy?" The answer to that is simple. I like to be a vixen, it makes me feel better about myself. If I could, I'd be one RL also, without a moment of hesitation. Since I cannot yet do so, I'll take solace in the fact that online and at furry cons and such, I can at least act and be as close to my perceived appearance as possible. You see, I've struggled with my own sexual identity for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I didn't date, I had no interest in dating anyone. Yes, I did have fantasies... I had a few friends. We played around with each other a few times, but really nothing much happened. Later on, in High School, I had a crush on one girl, but she didn't have the time of day for me. I then met a guy who was sweet, but it took ages for us to realize what we were. Not much happened there either. All through the 3 years of college I went too, nothing.. just strange fantasies, and lots of loneliness. Now, all through this time, I hid a secret, that I can now talk about. I crossdressed secretly at times... it was the only way I felt I could express my inner self. Yes, it was a sexual release also... but I still felt not total and happy. I found a doctor who pushed me into the path of a life of believing I was a Transsexual. I went into counseling for that and eventually started to live my life as a female. I moved to a different town, started electrolysis on my face, lived 24/7/365 as a female for about 1 1/2 years. At first, it was good, had friends, had a good job... but after a while, those old feelings came back... that this still wasn't who or what I was... that I was just "Wrong" I moved back home to my parent's place, threw out all my female stuff... went back to being that old guy I knew for so long.. grew a beard and mustache.. got myself a motorcycle.. I became a biker dude... some have seen pictures of me from that time. All I can say is "SCARY"
Well, after a while, I moved to the town of Creve Coeur and started hanging out with a friend at the local gay bar. I saw how much fun they drag queens were having at that time, and I started to do performances in drag once a week there. This lasted for a couple of years, and during this time, I really started to hang out with my next door neighbor, a lady who had a couple of kids from a previous marriage. After 2 years, we decided we kinda needed each other, and ended up getting married. I was happy for the first time in ages, but it was not to last. After 3 years, tensions broke us apart.. mainly between myself and her kids.. I just don't seem to get along very well with kids for some reason.
Well, silly me went from that relationship right into another one. I had met another lady shortly after my first wife left me. We started to see each other more and more.. and we both felt that we were good for each other. She moved in with me, and we got married one year to the day from when we met. That was another mistake, as almost immediately, things started getting tense... we were snippy with each other, did petty things... but we stuck it out. We moved to the town and the house I'm in now... and it just got worse. I found out she was fooling around on me.. but I didn't really care. I had discovered furry about a year ago now... and I was finding myself getting more and more involved online.. and paying less and less attention to her. I ordered myself a fursuit.. and the day it arrived and I tried it on for the first time, was the day I felt happiest in a long long time. Well, she didn't see it that way, and threatened to leave me if I didn't stop my involvement with furry. Well, we all know how that ended up. Bye bye Laura, Hello Butterscotch.
Now, I must admit, when I first started in furry, I did have a male fox character, named Sheller, after an antique piece of farm machinery that held a special meaning for me. If you are curious about that, ask me sometime. I had fun with him, but felt more and more that I wanted to try something different. I created a new character on FurryMuck, and thus, Butterscotch was born. She quickly found that she was popular with several park regulars there, and poor Sheller was relegated to back burner. He's not been out now for almost 6 months, just online enough to not be toaded. Eventually, I found a mate online... but that didn't last either... had a few flings, lots of TS... but still felt like something was missing. I found an online way to find other local furs RL.. I sent several emails to one and we eventually met. This turned out to be a fairly well known fur, who was into puppetry big time. He introduced me to several other furs and it's snowballed since. I went to AC this year.. met more furs... I had attended a furry campout and met my good friend TygerCowboy there. He later asked me if I'd help with MFM.. I ended up on staff after one fur couldn't attend.. felt even better. I'm grateful to all my friends, online and RL... you all have helped me more than you ever will know. Now, RL has me in a quandary... I have been out of work since May 3rd, and am facing the fact that my house will soon be lost in foreclosure... I have been trying to sell it unsuccessfully for a few months now.. and had no place to go. I posted to a few email lists, and Tyger and his mate Spike offered to let me move in... so now I am preparing for this move. This I feel will be the best possible thing for me.. I'll be with friends, I'll be in a furry friendly city, I'll hopefully find a job quickly. Small town Illinois is not a good place for a fur to live. Maybe I'll even find a friendly fur who wouldn't mind dating a silly mixed up male who acts and thinks he is a vixen? That would be nice.
So, now, there it is.. my story. I hope you aren't all bored to death by now... and maybe you have a better understanding of me. If so, let me know, and if you have other questions or anything, ask. I'm not keeping secrets about myself. I'll see you all at MFF in November... or sooner. *Hugs*
Those of you who know me or at least read this Journal know I portray a vixen online and throughout the furry community. What some of you don't realize is that I am really a male RL. This is a well known fact to most, but I do get a few people now and then who didn't know. Now, the question I hear is, "Why do you play a vixen when you are a guy?" The answer to that is simple. I like to be a vixen, it makes me feel better about myself. If I could, I'd be one RL also, without a moment of hesitation. Since I cannot yet do so, I'll take solace in the fact that online and at furry cons and such, I can at least act and be as close to my perceived appearance as possible. You see, I've struggled with my own sexual identity for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I didn't date, I had no interest in dating anyone. Yes, I did have fantasies... I had a few friends. We played around with each other a few times, but really nothing much happened. Later on, in High School, I had a crush on one girl, but she didn't have the time of day for me. I then met a guy who was sweet, but it took ages for us to realize what we were. Not much happened there either. All through the 3 years of college I went too, nothing.. just strange fantasies, and lots of loneliness. Now, all through this time, I hid a secret, that I can now talk about. I crossdressed secretly at times... it was the only way I felt I could express my inner self. Yes, it was a sexual release also... but I still felt not total and happy. I found a doctor who pushed me into the path of a life of believing I was a Transsexual. I went into counseling for that and eventually started to live my life as a female. I moved to a different town, started electrolysis on my face, lived 24/7/365 as a female for about 1 1/2 years. At first, it was good, had friends, had a good job... but after a while, those old feelings came back... that this still wasn't who or what I was... that I was just "Wrong" I moved back home to my parent's place, threw out all my female stuff... went back to being that old guy I knew for so long.. grew a beard and mustache.. got myself a motorcycle.. I became a biker dude... some have seen pictures of me from that time. All I can say is "SCARY"
Well, after a while, I moved to the town of Creve Coeur and started hanging out with a friend at the local gay bar. I saw how much fun they drag queens were having at that time, and I started to do performances in drag once a week there. This lasted for a couple of years, and during this time, I really started to hang out with my next door neighbor, a lady who had a couple of kids from a previous marriage. After 2 years, we decided we kinda needed each other, and ended up getting married. I was happy for the first time in ages, but it was not to last. After 3 years, tensions broke us apart.. mainly between myself and her kids.. I just don't seem to get along very well with kids for some reason.
Well, silly me went from that relationship right into another one. I had met another lady shortly after my first wife left me. We started to see each other more and more.. and we both felt that we were good for each other. She moved in with me, and we got married one year to the day from when we met. That was another mistake, as almost immediately, things started getting tense... we were snippy with each other, did petty things... but we stuck it out. We moved to the town and the house I'm in now... and it just got worse. I found out she was fooling around on me.. but I didn't really care. I had discovered furry about a year ago now... and I was finding myself getting more and more involved online.. and paying less and less attention to her. I ordered myself a fursuit.. and the day it arrived and I tried it on for the first time, was the day I felt happiest in a long long time. Well, she didn't see it that way, and threatened to leave me if I didn't stop my involvement with furry. Well, we all know how that ended up. Bye bye Laura, Hello Butterscotch.
Now, I must admit, when I first started in furry, I did have a male fox character, named Sheller, after an antique piece of farm machinery that held a special meaning for me. If you are curious about that, ask me sometime. I had fun with him, but felt more and more that I wanted to try something different. I created a new character on FurryMuck, and thus, Butterscotch was born. She quickly found that she was popular with several park regulars there, and poor Sheller was relegated to back burner. He's not been out now for almost 6 months, just online enough to not be toaded. Eventually, I found a mate online... but that didn't last either... had a few flings, lots of TS... but still felt like something was missing. I found an online way to find other local furs RL.. I sent several emails to one and we eventually met. This turned out to be a fairly well known fur, who was into puppetry big time. He introduced me to several other furs and it's snowballed since. I went to AC this year.. met more furs... I had attended a furry campout and met my good friend TygerCowboy there. He later asked me if I'd help with MFM.. I ended up on staff after one fur couldn't attend.. felt even better. I'm grateful to all my friends, online and RL... you all have helped me more than you ever will know. Now, RL has me in a quandary... I have been out of work since May 3rd, and am facing the fact that my house will soon be lost in foreclosure... I have been trying to sell it unsuccessfully for a few months now.. and had no place to go. I posted to a few email lists, and Tyger and his mate Spike offered to let me move in... so now I am preparing for this move. This I feel will be the best possible thing for me.. I'll be with friends, I'll be in a furry friendly city, I'll hopefully find a job quickly. Small town Illinois is not a good place for a fur to live. Maybe I'll even find a friendly fur who wouldn't mind dating a silly mixed up male who acts and thinks he is a vixen? That would be nice.
So, now, there it is.. my story. I hope you aren't all bored to death by now... and maybe you have a better understanding of me. If so, let me know, and if you have other questions or anything, ask. I'm not keeping secrets about myself. I'll see you all at MFF in November... or sooner. *Hugs*